Behaviors

1. Attacks her self-esteem by:
a . belittling her
b . humiliating her
c . degrading and dehumanizing her
d . being hyper-critical of her
e . intimidating her
f . making her feel crazy
g. claiming to be all-knowing, all-powerful

1. To tear down her self-esteem, make her feel worthless; question her values, instincts and decision making ability
To make her feel totally dependent on him which gives him a feeling of self-worth and personal identity and power.

2. Tells her repeatedly she's ugly, she's fat, no one else would ever have her. Accuses her endlessly of flirting, having affairs, confronts her in public as well as in private about other men. Isolates her. Sabotages her jobs. Criticizes her friends and family.Often has long-term affairs outside the primary relationship.

2. To make her feel unworthy and incapable of being loved by others;
To limit her contact with other men to lessen the opportunity to develop any other supportive male relationships.
To destroy her support systems in order to limit her abilty and resources to get out and limit her external vision of reality so that she has nothing to compare against the reality he's created
To safety net himself in case she leaves so he will immediately have another woman to gain his power through the establishment of control if he can't force her to come back to the relationship.

3. To keep her off guard, not knowing what to expect; off balance, not trusting her instincts, feeling crazy to make her dependent on him for definition of relationship.

5. Non-responsible; accepts no responsibility for his own actions.

5. To avoid owning his problems, to minimize his violent and controlling behavior, to reduce his guilt to shame, to protect his self-image.

6. Abused as a child or saw his mother being abused; learned how to control others through violence.

6. To cause her fear and belief in his ability to gain power through control of her.

7. Rigid, non-flexible; feels a responsibility to assure she meets his expectations as well as the right to have unrealistic expectations.

7. No room for negotiation on anything, he claims all decision-making rights and enforces his rights and expectations through using techniques of abuse.

7. Actions aimed at teaching her a lesson, making her comply, keeping her in line, not to hurt her. To justify his brutality to himself and her.

8. Twists religious doctrine; Uses church members to put pressure on her to comply. Blames her for not making it work, makes her feel guilty for non-compliance

8. To justify his behavior and establish dominance within an established societal structure.

9. She's expected to take care of the home, the children and him which may include the expectation that she work outside the home also.

9. To enable him to feel no responsibility when there are problems and things go wrong within the family' he doesn't have to do anything but focus on getting his needs met.

10. Poor credit/job history.

10. All financial obligations are put in her name and all financial resources are in his; she is often forced to turn over all financial earnings to him.

10. To assure that she's held responsible for the financial situation but he has access to the resources. To get what he wants. To keep her bound to the relationship.

11. Impulsive

11. Routinely spends money on self rather than the necessities of the family, plans trips on short notice without consideration for the family finances or job or other family obligations.
Occasionally will go overboard and buy her luxuries. Suddenly takes charge of areas he routinely leaves up to her.

11. To take care of his needs and wants to convince her he really loves her to make her feel incapable of handling day to day life.

12. Non-abusive outside the home.

12. To establish and maintain his support system so that should she go public about abuse or leave, few will believe he is capable of abusing her.

13. To minimize his feeling of powerlessness and inadequacy.

14. Denies having problem.

14. Repeatedly tells her she's the one with a problem. Refuses to get any help or admit that he needs help until she leaves. Then readily admits he has a problem and promises to go for help but his going for help is contingent on her coming home so that they can work on “their problem together.” Won't carry through once she comes back.

15. Not mentally ill; battering is by choice, not out of compulsion or sudden loss of control.

15. Often will beat her only in the body torso area, leaving exposed areas unbruised. If he is trying to sabotage her job he will often attack her face, her arms and legs.
He stops short of killing her but has the power and strength to do so if he chooses.

15. To keep his abuse a secret so others won't intervene and give her support. To avoid legal consequences' at some point he may choose to kill her to gain the ultimate power – over life and death.